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Women Without Children - 7/12/2010 10:13:16 PM
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New-Horizons
Posts: 85
Status: offline
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Hey Gals!
I just thought I would pop in here and ask a question that has been on my mind lately. I am in my late 20s and I have never been married and do not have children. I do not feel a strong desire to have children. I dont know if this will change when I am in my 30s or not, but it has not hit me yet. Is this wrong?
Why are women who are childless looked down upon in society and sometimes even in church? Why do people think that you cannot live a fulfilling life unless you have children and become a mother. I am sure being a mother is a great thing, but I do not know if this will ever happen to me or not. Its possible that things will change but I am not sure they ever will.
Will I always have to deal with people who look down upon me because I did not give birth and therefore do not know about life as much as they do?
What do you think?
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/12/2010 10:23:07 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 3355
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quote:
Is this wrong?
Nope.... Nothing wrong about it at all. We all have different desires. Trust me, I have been in your shoes. It is hard. But, if you are trusting in God and following His will for your life, don't worry about the other stuff.
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/12/2010 10:29:39 PM
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GlassMoonWaltzes
Posts: 2038
Joined: 8/9/2007
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I'm 38 w/o children, BUT that wasn't my choice..my choice would have been to marry young and have kids right away. Starting since a teenager, I've had people be harsh with me for wanting that, just b/c it could end up not happening. Well, it didn't happen (yet), and I'm ok with that, but I'm still NOT ok with the way people attacked me for wanting that. I think it's ok to want it and ok to not want it...as long as one accepts what happens later, and doesn't get angry/bitter. Even though I accept that I'm single w/o children I STILL DO NOT THINK I WAS WRONG AT ALL to want to marry and have them when I was young.
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It seems like no matter what someone wants, someone else doesn't like it.
< Message edited by GlassMoonWaltzes -- 7/12/2010 10:45:20 PM >
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/12/2010 10:50:51 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 3184
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elyon2010
Hey Gals!
I just thought I would pop in here and ask a question that has been on my mind lately. I am in my late 20s and I have never been married and do not have children. I do not feel a strong desire to have children. I dont know if this will change when I am in my 30s or not, but it has not hit me yet. Is this wrong?
Why are women who are childless looked down upon in society and sometimes even in church? Why do people think that you cannot live a fulfilling life unless you have children and become a mother. I am sure being a mother is a great thing, but I do not know if this will ever happen to me or not. Its possible that things will change but I am not sure they ever will.
Will I always have to deal with people who look down upon me because I did not give birth and therefore do not know about life as much as they do?
What do you think?
I think that right now, because you're currently single, it may be somewhat easier to deal with that reality (of being single)... 'cause you don't have a longing to be a mother. And that's OK!
I'm not sure you'll always have to deal with people who look down on you simply because you didn't birth children... You might have to deal with people who look down on you for other reasons. It's blech, I know. But it's human nature.
I'm almost 10 years older than you, and I have somewhat similar yet different concerns:
* If I reach menopause never having birthed my own children, will I be totally heartbroken?
* If I never marry (though that's not my desire! I do want to marry!) and raise children, will parents disregard my opinions and thoughts on teaching, rearing, and caring for children... simply because I'm not a parent? I hope not! (I've been teaching kids in church for almost 13 years now. Plus the various things I've learned in other ways.)
You and I and other women whose lives look different from the majority of women in our churches are going to have to trust that God will (1) help us deal with and respond graciously to any hurtful attitudes or words or treatment, (2) help us remember from whom we derive our worth and purpose, and (3) bring women who are encouraging into our lives to bolster our faith.
And we can encourage other women too. "Be the change you want to see" -- to borrow from some philosopher (Gandhi?).
There are things related to the "I don't know that I want kids" feeling that you might want to consider as you ponder plans for the future:
* Do you have any desire whatsoever to marry at some point in your life?
* If you do desire to marry, what do you think about marrying a man who absolutely doesn't want children? Or a man who would be ok either way? Or a man who is gung-ho to have kids biologically?
* If you do ever marry before you lose the ability to conceive, will you be at least open to the possibility of becoming pregnant? Or will you and your husband decide to do all you can to prevent a pregnancy?
* Are you open to considering adoption or fostering?
I'm sure there are other questions I can't think of at the moment.
And you don't have to decide all these now. Just keep them in mind as you mull over what God's calling you to do for this season in your journey with Him.
(If you've got a dating prospect, a casual boyfriend, or a serious boyfriend, then addressing these questions, at least for yourself, will be needed sooner than later, of course.)
_____________________________
"I like to stride, not mince." -- Maggie
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/13/2010 3:08:42 AM
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Mollymouser
Posts: 5923
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: california, land of the happy cows
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As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing wrong with your desire NOT to have children. That being said, I would suggest that you clearly and definitively disclose this to any man with whom you get involved in a serious relationship so that if this is a "deal breaker" for him (i.e., he wants children), you're both on the same page early on and can decide whether or not to proceed with the relationship.
I would also suggest that you continue to keep this issue in prayer. After all, as you go through life and age/mature and enter into a different season, your thoughts on this issue MIGHT change ~ and you certainly want to be open (and listening) for what the Lord leads on this issue.
By the way, I'm married, 45 years and old, and my wonderful DH and I were in 100% agreement that neither of us wanted to have children.
And, yes, you will aways have to "deal with" people who will disapprove of one or more things that you choose to do in your life ~ whether it be your decision to have children or a myriad of other issues. But keep in mind that your goal in life should be to please God, please your husband (assuming you're married), and please yourself ... and that trying to live/plan your life to please others is like running on a hamster wheel .... you may be moving fast, but it won't get you anywhere.
_____________________________
 MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT  PLEASE PRAY FOR MY DEPLOYED HUSBAND!
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/13/2010 9:00:31 AM
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igsie
Posts: 104
Joined: 5/29/2010
From: Virginia, USA
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Wow--you've sure gotten a lot of responses, and quickly, too! And I must add to them!
I am not married and don't have children. I am very content being single (in spite of all the people who don't want me to be content!) and I have honestly never wanted children of my own. However, it is STILL hurtful when people imply I am not "complete" as a single. Or that I don't know as much about life as they do--even though I have done many awesome things in my life and with my life that none of them have ever done!
God wants to do the same thing in all of us--make us like His Son. For some women, he chooses to do this using their experiences as wives and mothers; for others he chooses to do this as wives with infertility issues; for others he chooses to do this through singleness and childlessness.
I love what Elena said that we need to respond graciously to hurtful attitudes or words or treatment; remember from whom we derive our worth and purpose, and surround ourselves with women who will encourage us. I'd like to add one thing to that. We need to show, by our example, that a single woman can be fulfilled and content and a delightful, functioning member of the church and society. We need to NOT reinforce the very old, tired idea of the "old maid!"
One thing that has helped me when others have said hurtful things because I do not fit in with what some people think I must be is this: when people are happy with their lives, they are not going to "put down" someone else's life. So when people say hurtful things because you are single or childless, remember that is a bad reflection on them, not on you! Perhaps they are even a bit envious of your independence and freedom. Maybe they are feeling insecure and your type of a happy life is a threat to them. Maybe they think putting someone else down will make themselves feel better about their own lives.
It all boils down to why they feel the way they do towards other people who are single. It is not a reflection on you; it all goes back to themselves. All you can do is live your life the way God intends, and strive to be a positive example of the single life. Others will eventually take notice and maybe even change their attitudes! If not--well, then nothing you do or say will open their eyes because they don't want their eyes open!
Hope I don't sound like I'm preaching! I just know what has helped me regarding other's attitudes. And I will never forget when a little girl I taught in Junior Church told her parents that she wanted to grow up and be just like "Miss Ilene." And probably she didn't even mean single vs married. But she saw qualities that she liked, and that is what was important, not whether or not I was married!
_____________________________
Blog: Better Than Ordinary
Online Store: Wondrous Story Christian Bookstore
Facebook: Wondrous Story
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/13/2010 2:19:32 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1123
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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People have a difficult time imagining that another life, with other choices, could be as fulfilling as their own.
You will be missing out on some things. Just like they will be missing out on some things. There is no 'perfect' life. Nor is fulfillment dependent upon children, career, or love relationships.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/13/2010 2:34:49 PM
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karlie
Posts: 7055
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
Status: offline
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quote:
I am in my late 20s and I have never been married and do not have children. I do not feel a strong desire to have children. I dont know if this will change when I am in my 30s or not, but it has not hit me yet. Is this wrong?
No. I think it would be wrong to plan children you don't feel ready for and have no desire to raise. I see far too much of that in my field, and the ones who suffer are the children.
That being said, I think when we are open to God's plan and ask Him to work on our hearts and make the changes HE deems necessary to work His plan, that's all we can do. The only one you have to please is GOD, and if you are open, HE is capable of changing your heart when and if it is HIS desire, without any help from anyone else. God doesn't call us all to the same life, and I personally wouldn't pay much attention to anyone who meddles. Only God knows what desires best fit HIS unique calling for you. Your job is just to be open, seek after Him, and be willing to hear His voice when he speaks.
_____________________________
When we're at the end of ourselves, that's the place where God truly is.
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/14/2010 11:19:29 AM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 330
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Greetings! I'm 41, married almost 18 years, and voluntarily childless. I've jumped through so many hoops that people said would make me want kids...falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, 2nd anniversary, 5th anniversary, 30, 35, 40...and no tick-tock of the biological clock! I studied the Bible and came to the conclusion that children are commended by the Bible to be prayerfully considered by every married couple, but IMO, they are not commanded. I prayed that if the Lord wanted me to have children that He would make that clear in my heart, and He never did. So, here I am, without children but with a full heart and loving life!
Why do some people, particularly in the church, look down on women without kids? That's a complex question. Some people sincerely believe that every Christian couple should endeavor to have children, that it is a universal command from God. I respectfully disagree with that, and have found that many such people are able to set that issue aside and be a Christian sister, but some cannot. More often though, it is the influence of a society that so conflates motherhood and womanhood that a woman who voluntarily declines motherhood is difficult to understand. And, it has always seemed to me that children are the default touchstone for women in casual social situations, in a similar way that work and sports are for men, but to an even greater extent. So, some women who meet a woman without kids have a difficult time knowing what to talk about to make that initial connection.
How much you have to deal with the negatives will ebb and flow with time. I had a rough time in the first years after my wedding. People were really caught up in the "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Junior in the baby carriage" pattern! And my mid 30's were difficult too, since my eggs were evidently about to go out of date!  I've found the best way to deal with negative attitudes is to project confidence. Don't explain, except to close friends, and never justify. Acknowledge that there are realities of being a parent and having a parent's perspective that you can't understand in a "rubber meets the road" way. But, the uterus is not the "on" switch for the female brain. You can be a capable, wise, mature woman without being a mother!
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/14/2010 5:20:06 PM
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BelleWeather
Posts: 2437
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elyon2010
Hey Gals!
I just thought I would pop in here and ask a question that has been on my mind lately. I am in my late 20s and I have never been married and do not have children. I do not feel a strong desire to have children. I dont know if this will change when I am in my 30s or not, but it has not hit me yet. Is this wrong? No
quote:
Why are women who are childless looked down upon in society and sometimes even in church? Why do people think that you cannot live a fulfilling life unless you have children and become a mother. I am sure being a mother is a great thing, but I do not know if this will ever happen to me or not. Its possible that things will change but I am not sure they ever will. It is a traditional role women are often relegated, but is not necessarily a role all women are comfortable with.
I've not noticed this stigma with the people I'm associated.
quote:
Will I always have to deal with people who look down upon me because I did not give birth and therefore do not know about life as much as they do? I suspect so. Busybodies are everywhere. It's entirely up to you if choose let their meddling impinge on your life.
quote:
What do you think?
Any one who had the bad manners to pry into my reproductive life has been told it was none of their business.
_____________________________
Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
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RE: Women Without Children - 7/23/2010 2:11:47 PM
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mj2008
Posts: 108
Joined: 4/16/2010
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I am 32 years old married and have no children. I find it that as much as we want to plan and have an idea of what we want the future to be like, (good to plan and have goals) somethings are out of our control.
I certainly had a different idea about marriage and children. For the past year I have tried to get pregnant and nothing has happened. I now realize that these things are much more complicated than I thought.
I do find that at church we like to place people in categories, for example at my church the women's group has been divided. I was automatically placed in the group of the women with no children and fertility issues.
I found this strange because other than this issue most of us have very few things in common and trying to have a baby for 1 year should not qualify me for said group. That's OK, I think people want to just make sense out of people based on what is normal to them.
I have even heard it preach that a family begins when a child is born to a couple. I don't agree, I think that the moment my husband and I married we started our family.
One of the many lessons have learned this year is to enjoy this time. This time with my husband and to let God do whatever he wants when it comes to kids. I certainly have learned about mercy and compassion for women who chose to not have children or are having difficulty.
Now about being single and no children. Hey that was tough too at church. the questions are never ending. so...when are you getting married? (after you married) so... when are you having kids? (after you have a kid) so when are you having another kid....( if you have several) so... you are not gonna have anymore kids are you? I mean that's too much.
Everyone has an opinion. God's opinion and approval is what really matters.
_____________________________
I love Jesus!!!
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And when my youngest sister got pregnant, these women were *angry* at her for refusing to even consider abortion. 
Plenty of people would call you a wise young woman, whether delaying marriage and children was intentional on your part or not, as they consider marriage and parenting beginning in one's 20's to be foolish at best. 
